Tis Better to Have Loved and Lost
by Alex Breen
Summary: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious. (Avril Lavigne) Marauder fic, true to the books, in which Lily and James are a slow evolution, good and bad things happen, and everyone's lives are tested as the war brews around them.
1. 6th Year Begins

**I decided to write this fanfic because I noticed a lot of little inaccuracies in other people's, even the good ones, everything from how Lily's hair is a dark red, or that Lily's parents actually loved that she was a witch, not despised it like others have written. So I reread all seven books and wrote down everything that had to do with Lily and James, as well as everything I could find about them that JK Rowling had said and stuff from pottermore. Aaaand this is what I came up with.**

Ch.1

 _"Did you like question ten Moony?" asked Sirius as the emerged into the entrance hall.  
"Loved it," said Lupin briskly. "'Give the five signs that identify the werewolf.' Excellent question."  
"D' you think you managed to get all the signs?" said James in tones of mock concern.  
"Think I did," said Lupin seriously. [...]  
"One: He's sitting on my chair. Two: He's wearing my clothes. Three: His name's Remus Lupin..."_

Remus Lupin had a fantastic beginning to his fifth year. His best friends had just successfully managed their ability to be Animangi, and while wildly dangerous, it thrilled him that they would go to such great lengths to keep him company. Surrounded and influenced by his friends, he had a confidence that allowed him to joke about his monthly affliction, despite the pain it caused him. No one suspected a thing. He was Gryffindor's fifth year boy prefect. He had heard on the train that Macy Lewis had a crush on him. And despite James and Sirius' best attempts; he had finished all of his holiday homework.

This year, however, was the exact opposite. He spent the summer in agonizing monthly transformations without the help of his friends. Although cute in his own way, girls were far more attracted to Sirius and James, and without them by his side, he had not noticed a single girl staring at him. And unfortunately, he had been so miserable and depressed over the holidays, he had not finished all of his homework. Furthermore, he simply had a feeling that this year was not going to be good.

He was currently sitting by himself on the train, preferring solitude rather than to pretend to be happy around the others. It did not take long for the others to find him. Instantly upon entering they all knew something was wrong.

"Spill," James said, sitting down next to him. Remus merely looked out the window.

"Come on Moony," Sirius sat across from him.

"Talk to us," Peter emphasized, taking the last seat.

"I don't want to talk," Remus said.

"You barely wrote all summer," James pressed, clearly waiting for Remus to take the opening.

"Like it mattered to you guys," Remus said bitterly. He finally turned to them. "You and Sirius were off having a lovely summer in the Bahamas with your parents and Peter was off at that training camp all summer."

"We wrote every week," Sirius put in.

"And I'm sorry I'm worse at magic than the rest of you," Peter attempted to joke. But Remus was having none of it.

"It was…it was just a rough summer, okay. And all I really want is to be alone right now."

Without another word to him, James turned to Peter. "Have your exploding snap deck Wormy?" James asked. Remus could almost feel the uncertainty with Peter. After a long pause he finally said, "Right here." For the next half hour, Remus tried to get lost in his dark thoughts. It was not until half way through an intense game of exploding snap during which the others would later say Sirius was cheating, and Peter was in the middle of winding story about how he had turned into a rat and freaked out a whole cabin of boys who had picked on him that Remus found himself laughing. And once he was laughing, he realized he had been listening to their stories and feeling even worse not joining in than he was feeling sorry for himself. So he turned away from the window and asked them to deal him in the next round.

"I think it's going to be a great year," he said, watching the end of their current game. And then James began to fill him in on his and Sirius' summer, and Peter asked if they were going to continue working on the map that year and Remus began to think he was wrong about this year. Fifth year might have started off fantastic, and maybe his summer had been rotten, but this year was going to be great too. And as his friends chattered around him happily, Remus wondered why he had wanted to be alone in the first place.

* * *

The opening feast started out just like any other. The hat spewed some melodramatics, shaking first years were sorted, and the Maruaders pulled a prank. Before the pudding had been brought out Mary Mcdonald was laughing so hard she had to clutch her sides. As Professor's Flitwick and McGonagall began to fix the sparking candles, and the Slytherin's that had run out of the hall began returning to their seats, the laughter began to simmer down.

Just as dinner ended and desert began all candles across the Great Hall had begun to shoot out sparks. Three of the tables enjoined nice cascading sparks that sizzled out before reaching the table. One table, however, had been subject to sparks that hit their robes and hats, bursting into spontaneous flames that gave the wearer quite a scare, but did not burn them in any way. Once the flame reached the individuals hair, it began to flame out, turning their hair a nice, bright blue. The houses that enjoyed their own little showers of light grew momentarily worried by the shrieks coming from the table nearest the door, and several Professors came running down immediately. Upon seeing that none were harmed and all of the flames had died out, the Professors began ushering the students that had ran out back to their seats, and after a couple of attempts, began to change their hair back to the original colors. The other students, after realizing nothing was happening that was life threatening, began to laugh.

"I have never seen Snivelly run so fast, have you?" Sirius questioned, laughing just as hard as the rest.

"Never," James Potter said on the other side of him.

"How did you make it so the flames wouldn't burn them?" Mary asked, her laughter finally residing.

"And to turn their hair blue?" Marlene asked from the other side, looking over her shoulder at Flitwick standing on the bench, tapping the top of a Slytherin second years head. Mary followed her gaze and giggled as she saw the brown of his natural color trickle down and overtake the blue.

"And to only target the Slytherin's, none of the other houses?" Frank Longbottom asked from a little further down, trying to get into the conversation. "At least divulge one of your secrets."

"Well that would imply that we know how it was done," James laughed. Mary looked across her at Remus.

"Come on Remus," she practically begged. "How'd you guys do it?"

"I'm a prefect. What makes you think I was involved?" he questioned, one eyebrow quirked. But he had a slight grin on his face that said otherwise.

Quite a few suspicious glances were sent in their direction by the staff and other students. Mary could see several Slytherin's pointing at the Marauders, but they had never even raised their wands during the meal, and Mary knew the accusations would not stick.

As the chatter in the hall finally went back to normal and the Slytherin's all settled down, albeit unhappily, Mary turned to her right and spoke to Lily Evans.

"You've been so quiet Lily," Mary said, reaching out for another piece of chicken.

"Mmm," Lily said, glancing over at the Slytherin table.

"You're thinking about Snape aren't you?" Mary questioned. She herself shot a look at the person next to Snape, Mulciber, and shivered. True to Dumbledore's word, Mulciber had stayed away from her after the incident last year, and Mary hardly saw him at all, but seeing him did remind her of what had happened last year. She pushed the thought away. Thinking of that now would put her in a dark place.

"Yes," Lily said quietly. "I know I made the right decision, but it's still…well it's still hard. This is the first summer in a long time I did not see him."

"You'll be okay Lily," Mary put an arm around her. "You know what they say. Time heals all pain."

"You would know," Lily replied, her gaze moving from Snape to Mulciber.

"I know you did not really want to discuss it Mar," Lily tore her gaze away from the Slytherin's to look at her best friend. "And that you had been seeing that therapist, but if you ever do want to talk about it…"

"I know Lily," Mary laughed, "you've only offered about a hundred times."

Lily laughed as well. "I have, haven't I. But it's just, what he did to you. It leaves a mark you know. I don't mean a physical one, just…Well, anyways, if you change your mind at any time, I'm here."

"Why in the world," a voice belonging to none other than Sirius Black cut into their conversation, "would the two of you be having what looks like a serious conversation on the very first night. At least save the drama until tomorrow ladies." The two girls shared a glance and Mary knew they were both thinking the same thing. With on last torturous glance at the Slytherin table she turned to Sirius.

"Alright Black," Mary challenged. "Amuse us."

* * *

"You should never have told him to amuse us," Lily Evans said to Mary as they made their way up the staircase to the Gryffindor tower. A little louder she shouted, "Come along first years, don't lose the group." Peering down the stairs behind her, Lily saw Remus was also on the staircase helping usher the new eleven year olds in the right direction. Dutifully, Mary and Alice joined her up the stairs. Marlene was noticeably absent, but as she had not told any of the girls where she was headed off to, they figured they would see her back up in the tower.

"Do you think half of those stories he told were true?" Mary laughed.

"Some of them maybe. But the one about Peter and the tea kettle?" Alice chimed in, "I would be a bit surprised if that was true."

"I dunno," Lily replied, glancing back once more to make sure the first years were still behind her. "Peter's face was turning pretty red."

The three girls laughed at the memory and fell silent.

They had reached the Gryffindor common room and Lily waited for Remus to catch up before instructing the First Years on how to get in. Several seemed excited but a couple looked nervous about forgetting the password.

"Don't worry," Remus assured them. "People are always coming and going. Someone will eventually come about and you will be able to get in." The relief on their faces was apparent, and Lily tried to remember if she had been nervous her first day. Upon entering through the portrait hole, Lily and Remus instructed the First Years on where to go and ensured them that the Common Area was open to all students. Then, sending them on their way, the two of them nodded to each other and headed off to their separate dorms.

Alice and Mary were upstairs already, of course, and upon entering Lily was feeling a slight bit better. Sure, she was still angry at Sev, and it had been a long summer, but it was a new year. She had great house mates, great friends, and the N.E.W.T.'s were two years away. Yet Lily could not stop the sinking feeling in her chest. Every time she thought about Severus Snape, she began to think about Hogwarts, and the almost full-fledged war. She had noticed that the house tables seemed a little bit less empty this year than usual. Though she was sure she would find out who had not returned in the next couple of days, she had noticed a couple of Muggle-borns in her year that had not returned. And so while others were feeling quite good about the start of this new year, Lily felt her heart sinking lower.

Noticing that the redhead had been smiling moments ago and was now looking quite crestfallen, Mary turned to her to speak, but was interrupted by the door to their dorm opening.

"Great Godric!" Alice squeaked, "no need to slam the door open Marlene." There stood the fourth roommate.

"Marlene," Lily, thankful for the distraction greeted the girl. "Where have you been?"

"I didn't mean to open the door so forcefully," the girl said apologetically. She shut it much more gently and made her way over to her bed.

"You haven't answered my question," Lily pointed out.

"I've been…well…"

"This sounds like it will be good," Mary grinned.

"Marlene!" Alice jumped on her bed. "Tell us where you've been this instant."

"I haven't even been gone long," Marlene argued, "I don't think it's been long enough to warrant my telling you."

"I think," Alice replied, "that over five years of friendship warrants a telling."

Marlene bit her lip. "Oh all right," she sighed. "I guess Lily would be finding out tomorrow anyways." The other girls shot Lily a glance. "I've been, well I've been seeing Mark McKinnon."

"McKinnon?" Lily questioned, "The same Ravenclaw that's been my good friend and study partner for several years McKinnon?"

"Yes, well…"

"The same McKinnon I made out with once in fourth year?" Mary questioned.

"He's…"

"The same McKinnon…actually I've got nothing," Alice laughed, "I don't really talk to the chap much."

"Yes!" Marlene said. "That McKinnon. The only Mark McKinnon in the school."

"Well you could have said Mak McKinnon," Alice input, "which could have been short for Makayla McKinnon, his sister. In which case you would be…"

"Stop," Marlene shook her head as though trying to shake a mental image.

"Well that would make a lot more sense about why you were so secretive about it," Alice muttered.

"Alice is right though," Lily said. "Why did you think we would care?"

"I don't know," Marlene replied quietly. "He's a good mate of yours and like Mary said, she made out with him once, and I just didn't really think."

"Let me repeat," Mary laughed. "I made out with him in Fourth Year."

"And I could not tell you the number of times I have tried to convince you three I have no feelings for the boy whatsoever," Lily added.

"You're right, you're right," Marlene put her hands up. "I was being ridiculous. But let's not talk about it right now. I was really hoping Professor Mortiar would not be back this year."

"I don't want to talk about him," Alice grimaced. She hated talking badly, but thoroughly enjoying picking on her friends, "I want to talk about Heath saying hi to Lily before we got on the carriages tonight.

"I almost forgot!" Mary squeaked. "What was that all about?"

"I dunno," Lily replied blushing. Heath was very attractive after all. "I haven't ever really spoken to him. He is a Seventh Year, and very smart."

"And he is very attractive!" Marlene added mirroring Lily's thoughts. Lily smiled again.

"I wish he would say hi to me," Mary said teasingly, nudging Lily.

"I think you all are really making too big of a deal out of this. If every hello turned into a gossip session, there would be no time left to talk about anything else." Lily was not quite sure why she so forcefully did not want to talk about it, but for some reason she just knew she would rather talk about something else. "Have you heard the new song by The Hobgoblins. I don't think I like it much but I kept listening to it all last week because Petunia _hated_ it."

The other girls allowed the subject change, saying no more on the matter of Heath, and Lily let herself get distracted by the mindless chatter long into the night.


	2. Pranks and Conversations

_"You'd have thought Black and Potter were brothers!" chimed in Professor Flitwick. "Inseparable!"_

* * *

"Potter!" someone shouted just behind him.

James turned around hastily, quickly plastering a smirking grin on his face. "Yes?" he questioned innocently.

"I know you did this Potter," the man said as he shoved a doorknob in front of James's face. Even as the man said it he gave the doorknob a squeeze and it squealed "ow!"

James laughed. "Charmed a detached doorknob Filch? I don't recall doing any such thing."

"Mark my words Potter. I will get you for this one!" Filch, the caretaker said, raged.

"Not much punishment for bewitching one simple doorknob is there?" James asked smugly.

"The entire third floor is covered in doorknobs that scream in pain when someone turns them Potter. And I will see to it that you are punished." James said nothing but laughed once more.

"Brilliant prank whoever pulled that one off," he said.

"Where were you this morning Potter?" Filch asked. It amazed James how no matter what Filch was saying, even when merely discussing the weather, his tone sounded threatening. Not an intimidating threat of course, but threatening none the less.

Before James could reply a voice popped up behind him. "He was with me all morning," a voice, now next to him, said as someone threw their arm around James's shoulder.

"Right you are Sirius," he said, his grin widening as they both looked at Filch. "Together all morning we were."

"Then it bloody must have been the both of you," Filch shouted at them, once again waving the doorknob in front of their faces. The poor thing was wailing in pain before Filch finally stopped squeezing.

"Once again," James said, running his free hand through his hair, "I don't recall bewitching any doorknobs this morning. Do you Padfoot?" he sincerely questioned of his best mate.

"Not that I remember," Sirius replied without a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"It was you boys! I know it," Filch added, but he sounded slightly resigned.

"You have no proof," James pointed out, and Filch began to grumble.

"I'll catch you," he stated, shaking the unfortunate doorknob once more. "I will catch you."

"Can't catch us if we've done nothing wrong," Sirius responded innocently, using his arm around James to steer the latter in the other direction towards the great hall.

"Let's have some lunch, shall we Prongs?" Sirius questioned, taking his arm off of James.

"Most certainly Padfoot," James replied smugly, and the two of them headed off down to the Great Hall, laughter breaking out the moment they turned the corner.

* * *

"Where have you two been?" Peter asked as James and Sirius took seats across from him and Remus.

"Just getting into some trouble," Sirius grinned.

Someone snorted on the other side of them.

"Hey there Evans," James said smiling at her.

"James," she said before turning back to the book she was reading.

"What are you reading?" he asked.

"Pride and Prejudice," she responded without looking up.

"And what are you doing Saturday?" he asked.

"Not going out with you," she replied grinning, but still looking down at her book.

"One day you will give in Lily. And we will go on a date," he said to her, causing her to look at him with her green eyes. His breath caught before her eyes shifted to the right of him.

"Add that to the tally will you?" she asked, grinning at Sirius.

"What tally?" James asked looking back and forth between Lily and Sirius.

Instead of responding to him Sirius just smirked and said, "Sure thing Lily."

"What tally?" James repeated.

Lily and Sirius both ignored him, Lily turning back to her book and Sirius grabbing a muffin from the bowl in front of him.

"What tally are they talking about?" he asked again turning to Peter and Remus, hoping they could provide some insight. The two of them, however, merely shrugged before returning to their breakfast, leaving James completely uncertain about what Lily and Sirius could possibly have been talking about.

Deciding to change the topic and force an explanation out of Sirius later, James turned to Remus. "Brilliant idea you gave us over the summer," James grinned, sharing a glance with Sirius.

"What did you to do?" Remus questioned, exasperated.

"Just flawlessly executed one of your accidental ideas," Sirius replied grinning. "Much to the dismay of our esteemed caretaker."

"Honestly you two," Remus appeared upset all of a sudden. "Terrorizing Filch! It's been a week. You could have at least waited a bit," and without another word he was out of the hall before any of them could say 'Quidditch.'

Looking only a little bit shameful, Sirius put down his toast. "You reckon he was right?" he questioned.

"Maybe a bit," James looked at the exit to the hall, looking a bit put off.

"I wouldn't worry too much about it," Peter chimed in, still thoroughly enjoying his toast, "you know how he gets this time of the…" he paused considerably quick, ducking under the glares of James and Sirius. The three of them chanced a glance at Lily and to their dismay; she was peering at them curiously.

"You know, I suppose Remus is the only one who can make any of you feel guilty," she stated, although the three remaining Marauders would have bet all of the money in the Potter's vault that she wanted to say something else.

"Right you are," Sirius replied, picking his toast back up. Lily frowned at the thought, but figured it was at least healthy for them to feel some sort of guilt sometimes, and so she said no more on the matter. Each turned back to their meal, the silence only interrupted by Peter muttering something about finishing his Charms essay they had been assigned after the first lesson.

"Do you need help?" James asked.

"No. Thanks Prongs, but I only have the conclusion," and he hastened out of the hall. James nodded and turned back to his eggs, never noticing, as Sirius did, that Lily was staring at him with a smile on her face.

* * *

The Sixth Year Gryffindor's all elected to take Defense Against the Dark Arts, having all received E's and O's on their O.W.L.'s. It was the first lesson of the third day of classes, and fortunately, it was a double with the Ravenclaw's. Unfortunately, however, it was now to be taught by everyone's most despised Professor. Not even harboring a soft spot for the Slytherin's, Professor Mortiar was set on making every student as miserable as possible. He was often on the receiving end of the Marauders pranks, and was tied with the caretaker Filch on who had given the group more detentions. Early on he had received tips on what they were up to from a certain Slytherin, but as he never changed his favor for the student, the tips moved on to more appreciative receivers. Nonetheless, he caught them enough times. He had a stout stature, thick arms, and a grouchy face. He was not short by any means, but was usually slightly hunched over, making him appear shorter than he was. He had taught Ancient Runes for the past fifteen years, and most students wondered how he had been employed so long, with his disdain for children, and his hatred for most things in general. This year, he was given the post of Defense teacher, to the surprise of few. In fact, most had their theories on whether he was just a grouchy old man, or a death eater. Whatever his situation, none were looking forward to having him for what had once been their favorite class.

The group of Gryffindor Sixth Years walked in together, looking around for seats, noticing that the professor was currently absent. Their search was interrupted by a greeting shouted to one of their members. "Hi there James." The shout came from Terry Bonheur, a leggy brunette who currently had the front of her robes open to reveal that her skirt was hiked up just a couple of extra inches. Of French descent, Terry, short for Theresa, strongly disliked her name, strongly liked her nickname, and even more strongly liked the attention of boys.

"Mademoiselle," James responded, bowing his head in her direction, but not really giving her a second look as he sat down next to Sirius at a table in the middle of the room. The moment everyone had entered the room, the shades shut and the lights dimmed. Students immediately jumped into their seats as the cold gaze of Professor Mortiar swept across the room.

"This will not do," he said grimly, his eyes resting on James and Sirius, as if wishing he could give them detention through sheer force of will. "You are each to sit with a member of the opposite house. You have one minute to switch your seating arrangements. Go."

There was a quick scurry, the end results of which did not fare too well. In the dim lighting and rushing around, few were happy with the results. Despite the lack of animosity between houses, there were, of course, certain people that would rather sit with certain others. No one wanted to risk moving after they settled for fear of a detention, so the results remained. Terry Bonheur, intent on sitting with James, found herself one table off, sitting next to a shocked Peter Pettigrew. Sirius Black thought he fared well enough, sitting next to a cute girl he barely knew. Marlene had tried in vain to set next to Mark McKinnon, but he was paired now with James. She instead, was sitting next to a shy looking girl that kept shooting glances and Sirius. Remus found himself sitting next to a girl who had used him in third year to get closer to Sirius. Alice was sitting next to a bloke with a no nonsense attitude. Mary was sitting next to a boy who looked like he would rather have been paired with Marlene, despite the looks her and Mark were giving each other. And Lily was sitting next to the ex-girlfriend of none other than Heath Gradestone.

"Excellent then," Professor Mortiar turned away from the group. Today we will be practicing defensive skills, and figuring out what level you are each at." He had everyone stand up before clearing the tables and chairs. It was an exhausting lesson, as even the best of them were forced to continue practicing until the very end of the lesson.

"Some of you have a lot of work to do it you wish to pass my class," he said to them as they fled the classroom.

"You know what the worst part is," Marlene said once they were out of ear shot.

"What's that?" Mark questioned, having followed the group out.

"Even as much as I cannot stand him as a Professor, I always feel like I learn something with him. Like he pushes my limits. It's infuriating."

"I know what you mean," Lily added in. "It always felt that way in Ancient Runes."

"You know," Remus input reasonably, "the world isn't made up of good people and those calling themselves Death Eaters. There's good and bad in everybody."

"Tell that to my family," Sirius muttered.

A pause in the conversation ensued before Mark cleared his throat awkwardly. "Right, well some just have a bit more bad than others." Then, with a quick change of conversation he rushed out, "Marlene do you have a second before class?" They had now reached the Charms classroom, the location of the Gryffindor's next class, and the group collectively stopped and stared at him. He blushed, but only very slightly before Marlene responded in the affirmative and the group slowly trudged into the classroom.

As everyone was probably thinking, it was discovered that Mark had a free period and had followed them with the sole purpose of asking Marlene out. She accepted in the two minutes before class began and he left with a smile. Marlene walked into the classroom, a smile on her face and rushed over to fill in the other girls, all negative thoughts of Professor Mortiar out of their minds.

* * *

Most Sixth Years had entered the school year with high hopes. Still running off the high from having finished their O.W.L's, and knowing that N.E.W.T. exams were two school years away, they had visions of a nice, relaxing beginning to sixth year before all of the hard work was piled on. They were wrong. You would have thought the exams were coming up next month the way the teachers piled on the lessons and the homework. Lily was just barely balancing homework, prefect duties, and her social life. She was at the library late, the Friday of the first week, checking out several books at closing time. After being forcefully told she needed to leave for the third time, she heaved her now full bag onto her shoulder and began making her way to the Gryffindor Tower. On her way back she encountered, coming back from the Owlery and smelling strongly of a barn, none other than James Potter. He fell into step next to her and they engaged in an easy, flowing conversation.

James could not help but notice that Lily kept shifting her bag as though it was heavy and bothering her. He longed to take it from her, sling it over his own shoulder, and have a chivalrous moment. Then he remembered hearing she had accepted a date with Heath Gradestone, and almost immediately began to scowl. "Do you want to get something from the kitchens?" he asked suddenly, cutting off her story about how Sirius had accidentally started the curtains in the Common Room on fire the night before.

"Oh," she pondered for a moment. "Sure, but only if they have cake."

"They always have cake," he grinned. They spun around and headed back down the hallway. They stepped on a staircase and were almost halfway down when it started to move. Lily continued the story she had been telling, and James had to hold on to the railing for support as the stairwell shuddered to a stop. Lily fell slightly against him, and James found himself thinking he had quite a bit of restraint to merely prevent her fall without making any sort of a move.

"Thank you," she said, switching her bag to her other shoulder. Finally deciding to heck with Heath Gradestone, James grabbed her bag from her and purposefully put it on his own shoulder.

"James," she said, "you don't have…"

"Shut up Lily," he replied, and they both grinned.

Their trip to the kitchens was short. Lily's heavy bag sat on the ground next to them, giving both their shoulders a rest, and the two ate pieces of chocolate cake, now talking about their summers. Lily kept making a face as though she wanted to say something, but every time the expression was quickly covered and the topic would quickly change to a story about how she convinced Petunia she was making a potion to awaken spirits in the middle of their kitchen while their parents were grocery shopping. James relayed to her the story of how Sirius, knowing perfect French, but no Portuguese, thought he could figure out the language, and almost accidentally sold James' parents vacation home in the Bahamas. The two then left the kitchens, Lily's bag over James' shoulder once more, with profuse thanks to the house elves who bowed them out. They began to hurry back to the Common Room, it almost being time for curfew. The two had barely set out when Lily finally put a hand on James' arm stopping him.

"James, we never really talked about last year. What happened after the exam and all…"

"We don't have to," James replied, knowing this conversation was coming eventually, and leaning against the wall.

"I just…I was pretty rude to you. I wanted to say I'm sorry."

James waved her away. "Lily honestly, there's no need. I was being a prick and you called me out on it. That's all there is to it."

She smiled at him and gave him a quick shove. "Trust you to try and turn a moment I've been dreading all week into something you just brush off."

"I'm not brushing you off," he replied instantly, pushing himself off the wall.

"I didn't mean you were brushing _me_ off," Lily pushed her hair behind her ear and James pushed away the image of him doing that very thing. "I meant I've been thinking all week about apologizing to you for it and here you are not even concerned."

James stared with shock. Was she sincerely trying to apologize to him? "Lily," he started slowly, trying to think of what exactly to say, "I'm brushing off your apology because you have nothing to apologize for. I'm not always the nicest person. I know that. And Snivel…Snape, well he brings out the worst in me. And you're always there to see it." He murmured that last part and despite having heard it, Lily wasn't sure if it was meant for her ears. She was searching for something kind to say but he began speaking again. "I don't think I could ever really apologize to him. Snape I mean. We're just too far deep on opposite sides. And I know I've been cruel to him and others. Not just mean, or picking on them, but really actually cruel, but…" he trailed off, running his hand threw his hair, thinking back to the situation with Sirius and his family. "But I've seen firsthand what cruelty can do, and what happens if it goes too far and I, I just can't do that anymore. So I guess I'm sorry Lily." He could feel his arrogance and built up walls crumbling as he spoke, and for a moment he felt defeated. He thought on some of the worse things he had done; things that had once made him laugh that now just made him feel remorseful. "I'm trying to change," he whispered.

He didn't know if it was what he said, or how he said it, or what exactly had just transpired but he suddenly felt Lily's arms around him. He breathed her in for a moment, afraid to return the hug in case she pulled back, but when she did not he pulled his arms out from under hers and wrapped them around her. He really wasn't sure why they were hugging, or why, after she apologized to him, he unloaded an apology for the things he had done onto her. All he knew was that it felt right. It all felt right.

"What changed this summer James?" she questioned, her voice muffled by his robes.

He thought back to the last several years, whispered conversations between his parents about the growing war, thinking someone had turned traitor only to find they were under the Imperius. He thought about not being able to vacation at their house in Bulgaria anymore, his parents claiming the lawn was infested with gnomes that had to be cleared out, knowing that it was because they Bulgarian embassy had turned its back on England's in an effort to spare themselves losses. He thought about the cold chilled feeling he had when his father and him had been going to visit the Harkins only to find a dementor had been there first. And he thought more recently of Sirius, standing in his doorway with two bags, a black eye forming and blood coming from a cut on his upper arm. "Everything," he whispered, his thoughts dark and swirling, "everything changed." He was not surprised when he choked up while speaking. Lily did not respond, she merely hugged him tighter before pulling away and looking at him. She looked like she wanted to say something. Like all deep and meaningful conversations should continue on that way until the two parties tire of talking about all of the dark things in the world. But that is not how life works. Instead of opening a discussion about the bad things that were out there, they were interrupted by the real thing.

"Well, well well," a mocking, sneering voice came from down the hallway. The voice was coming from behind James and he instinctively turned around half shielding Lily while putting his hand on his wand and dropping her bag to the ground. The forms of Bellatrix Black, Avery and Mulciber came into view as they stepped out of the shadows of the hallway. "I always knew you had a thing for Potter, Mudblood." Bellatrix had her black hair piled on top of her head in a mess, and somehow that only made her look more intimidating. "Wait until the whole school hears about this."

Most girls would have shrunk back and stepped a little further behind James. But Lily did not. She stepped up to James' side and regarded Bellatrix coolly. "Imaging then how the rumors will fly when I tell the school about this peculiar threesome." She moved her gaze to both Avery and Mulciber before turning her gaze back to the female.

Bellatrix's smile fell, but only slightly. "What's the matter?" Lily questioned. "Afraid Rodolfus will find out?" James saw Bellatrix's hand twitch and he gripped his wand tighter. He wasn't really sure what came over Lily. She was never like this. She always walked away. What was she doing?

"Guess I'm not the only one that's changed," he whispered to her before his voice was overtaken by Mulcibers.

"Enough of the petty school drama," he took a step closer to James and Lily, "You might feel all high and mighty here, _prefect,_ " he said the word mockingly and James felt his anger flaring up, "but outside these walls you are nothing." His eyes flickered beyond Lily and James and his offensive stance immediately relaxed into a casual standing position. "Don't ever forget that," he said, this time much quieter. The three of them then turned and left, James and Lily momentarily wondering what made them just walk away when they heard breathing behind them.

"Everything alright?" one of their favorites, Professor Morgum questioned, his gaze following the backs of the three Slytherin's as they rounded the corner.

"Everything is great," James said, putting an arm around Lily in silent comfort. She could not have taken that interaction well. "Much better now actually."

The Professor was still staring down the dark hallway and seemed to shake himself out of a deep thought when James spoke. He glanced at Lily and James like he wanted to say something, but then his gaze trailed back to the end of the hallway. The two of them turned to look behind them half expecting to see someone still standing at the end of the hallway, but it remained empty. When they turned back Professor Morgum was speaking to them. "You should get back to the dorms. It's getting dark, hmph. Almost curfew."

"Right," James replied and after an almost awkward moment they sidestepped him and headed in the direction of the Gryffindor tower. Upon arrival James and Lily shared a quick look, both wanting to say so much more yet not knowing what to say. They parted hastily, neither relaying what had happened to their friends.


	3. Coins and Thoughts

Ch. 3

" _Black and Potter. Ringleaders of their little gang. Both very bright, of course- exceptionally bright, in fact- but I don't think we've ever had such a pair of troublemakers-" Professor McGonagall_

* * *

James and Sirius stood in the corner sniggering. As they glanced at each other, they both hoped they would never really grow up. Pranks like this were pointless, low grade, easy even. And yet they could not stop laughing. "Hush," James said quietly. "Here comes someone."

"Why it's that bugger from Slytherin. Helga what's her name. The one who's dating Bran Helphias form Hufflepuff," Sirius whispered to him.

"Not sure why you'd call her a bugger," James replied. "Pretty bold of her to be dating a Hufflepuff in these times. Especially as a Slytherin." All laughter at that point had ceased as Helga approached the spot. They both saw her look down with a slight smile before she bent over to pick up a shiny gold piece on the floor. It let out a shrill whistle the moment her finger brushed it, and Helga jumped away from it. She covered her ears and backed off, staring at the coin as though it had offended her. James and Sirius were doubled over with laughter. Helga moved on from the coin shooting one last glance at it over her shoulder.

The two boys stayed watching the coin as several more people attempted to pick up the coin. Their favorite moment perhaps was when a group of four Third Years walked by and saw it. One leaned over and attempted to pick it up. As the shrill whistle filled the air, the boy jumped back into one of the others, knocking him on the ground. This would have resulted in a fight had not another boy tried to pick it up. The whistle was released again and the boys vowed never to take the shortcut again.

James and Sirius finally broke away from their escapade when they heard their stomachs growl. Heading off down the hallway they made their way to the Great Hall only to realize it was between meals.

"Perhaps we should have spent our free period doing homework," James joked as they rerouted to the kitchens.

"And perhaps I should take my name seriously at become serious," Sirius shot back. The two shared a glance. "Nah," they agreed and began shoving and poking each other.

"James, I gotta ask," Sirius started as he tickled the pear and they entered, immediately being surrounded by elves, "what are you planning on doing when we leave here?"

The two of them sat at one of the long tables, the elves presenting them with leftovers from breakfast. James took a bite into his toast, thinking hard before responding. "We had all these serious talks over the summer, how did this never come up?"

"Dunno," Sirius replied, thoroughly enjoying his meal. "Usually our talks were about the war, and how we would end it if we could, but we both know it was all just banter. I hardly think You Know Who can be tricked into handing his wand over by simply asking him to see it."

"We had some pretty dumb ideas, didn't we," James smirked before growing serious once more. "I've wanted to play Quidditch my whole life, you know that. And then maybe settle down with a small business, or a simple job. But now," his gaze flickered to Sirius's, and he knew they were both thinking the same thing. "My family's been lucky. Really lucky. I can't pretend they haven't, somehow not being involved in the war. My parents are old, sure, but this guy has been recruiting all the Pure blood families. I just can't stand it. We both know I have more than enough inheritance not to have to work. But I want to do something. This…this war, it's been going on long enough. I…Sirius, I want to fight."

Sirius, finishing his bite of food looked James dead in the eye, and they knew they were on the same page. "So do I James. So do I."

"Against them?" James questioned.

"My family?" Sirius scoffed. "I know I didn't tell you much after I showed up at your folks, and I know you did not ask, but my parents are not planning on becoming Death Eaters. Sure, they are avid followers. I mean our family motto is about as Pureblood Supremacist as it gets, but they're too scared to get involved. Even as they support him, they worry too much about themselves and what would happen if he failed. They really only care about themselves too much to join in. They won't fight. But I will. Against him." He said it with a fierce determination, and James knew Sirius would fight to the death against this Voldemort.

"They'll never forgive you. You're family. And what about Regulus?" James questioned.

Sirius shrugged. "I've been defying them my whole life. Why stop now." Then he paused. His eyes glassing over as a thought crossed his mind. "Besides," he shrugged a second time, looking at his food, "you are my family." James was a little overtaken by the statement, knowing Sirius was trying to play it off in a nonchalant way. It was not until later that night that he realized Sirius never answered his question about Regulus.

The two finished the meal discussing how they would fight, with much more serious answers than they had come up with over the summer. They could not become Aurors, as neither of them were taking potions. Plus, James had a sort of distrust for the Ministry. "Maybe we could just fight on our own," Sirius finally suggested, pushing his empty plate away. James took his last bite before he too pushed his plate away.

"Like just go out there with no idea what we're doing or who to trust and start fighting?" James snorted.

"Right," Sirius nodded, realizing how bad the idea was. "Maybe a bad idea. But if we could find somewhere to start…"

"Then count me in," James replied before the two of them returned to the Common Room.

* * *

Lily was reading the bulletin board before heading off to breakfast when her name was called. She had just finished reading a new memo advising everyone to leave the Galleon on the fifth floor lie without touching it. "Hello Mary," she grinned.

"Anything exciting?" Mary questioned, standing next to Lily at the board.

"Just don't touch the galleon on the fifth floor," Lily replied looping her arm through Mary's and pulling her toward breakfast. "Apparently they can't figure out how to remove it yet and it lets out an awful loud noise when touched."

"Noted," Mary replied. "So are you excited for your date with Heath Gradestone today? I'm so jealous you bagged a Ravenclaw. They're all so fit."

"I didn't bag anyone," Lily laughed. "We're just going on a date is all."

"It's the first week back Lily. And he wants to take you out already! You definitely bagged him."

Lily just laughed at her. "So did you take a look at the essay for Transfiguration yet?" Lily asked.

"Ugh," Mary replied. "I do not want to be thinking about homework already."

"We have so much," Lily protested. "I just don't want to fall behind."

"We can go to the library after classes today if you would like," Mary relented. "I should get started anyway."

The two of them entered the Great Hall for breakfast and made their way to the Gryffindor table, Lily waving to Heath as she passed.

"You are excited for your date, are you not?" Mary questioned.

"Of course I am," Lily replied as they took to their seats.

"Well, it's just you don't really seem all that excited to talk about it."

Lily resisted the urge to look over her should at Heath, as she had sat on the side of the table facing away from the Ravenclaw one. "I am," she smiled. "He does seem very nice."

"And he is very nice to look at," Mary teased.

"That too," Lily smiled, but something about her seemed off.

"What's this?" said a new voice, sitting down next to Lily. Her eyes settled on the figure of Sirius Black settling in next to her. "Is Lily Evans actually shallow?"

Lily shoved at Sirius' shoulder. "Don't tease Sirius, you know I am not."

"I know Lily," he replied, taking a potato off of her plate.

"You do know there is a full plate of potatoes in front of you that do not belong to anyone yet?" Lily glanced at him, putting a piece of potato on her own fork.

"Oh I'm aware," Sirius responded after chewing. "But I already ate."

"When?" Mary questioned while Lily stated, "Then why take mine?"

Sirius just shrugged. "Because I wanted to talk to you."

"What about?" she questioned.

Sirius looked at Mary across from them and the other Gryffindors around. "In private Lily," he said.

"I'm eating," came her reply.

"Well when your done then?" he asked. "Meet me in the Common Room."

"Sure," Lily replied, scooping more potatoes onto her plate. Without another word, Sirius stood up from the table and exited without another word.

"Wonder what that's about," Mary questioned.

"I'll find out soon enough." Lily finished her lunch in silence before heading off to meet Sirius.

* * *

Mary was sitting next to Alice in the Library between the end of classes and supper. She had agreed to meet with Lily to study, but Lily did not show for Herbology and so Alice had agreed to come with Mary to get some homework done. Mary was being fairly productive; at least half of her essay was completed despite looking toward the doorway every few minutes to see if Lily had entered. Alice on the other hand was staring a few tables away at Frank Longbottom, biting her bottom lip.

Frank met her gaze several times, and each time Alice looked down quickly blushing. After nearly the fifth time of this happening Mary finally spoke up. "You should talk to him."

Alice finally shifted her gaze away from him to look at Mary. "He would have talked to me if he wanted to." She looked a bit sad and Mary immediately felt sorrowful for her friend.

"A little bit rotten of Peter to tell him you liked him, huh?"

Alice's gaze hardened immediately. "He said he was trying to help. I know what he was doing though. He's been being a bit ignored by the others and he was trying to impress Frank."

"You don't know that," Mary replied reasonably. "Look," she said, her gaze going to the doorway. Lily was entering at a bit too quick of a pace, but Mary did not notice at first. "Here comes Lily, we'll get her opinion."

As Lily neared the table, the two girls noticed immediately that something was wrong. They never did find out what Lily's opinion was on Peter telling Frank, as Lily immediately launched into a tirade about Sirius.

"I cannot believe the nerve of him!" she slammed her books down on the table causing several people nearby to glance up. "I bet a hundred galleons that he was put up to it."

"Mind filling us in?" Alice questioned.

"Is this about Sirius?" Mary questioned. "What did he have to talk to you about?"

"Potter," Lily replied, a bit too loudly. Those that had looked up when she slammed her books down now glanced over in interest. Gazing at them irritably, Lily leaned in and lowered her voice. "He asked why I was not excited by my date with Heath, and I told him I was. He called me a liar and told me I needed to grow up and start taking James seriously. The nerve of him!"

"Wait, he actually said that?" Alice questioned, forgetting to keep her own voice low.

"He said, and I quote 'Heath is perfect, but not for you. You need to start taking James seriously.'"

"Wow," Mary stated simply, leaning back.

"What did you say back?" Alice pried.

"I stared at him in shock for a moment before telling him to butt out. But he remained insistent and I just, oh, I just did not understand where it even came from!"

"Well, James has had quite a thing for you for the longest time," Mary reasoned. "But I cannot believe Sirius of all people is trying to get into your business."

"Yeah," Lily was a little bit calmed down by now. "Me either actually. But it never crossed my mind to ask him why."

"Maybe you should," Alice suggested.

"Maybe," Lily bit her bottom lip, still a bit thrown off by the confrontation. "But not right now." She pulled her Transfiguration book out of her bag along with a fresh sheaf of parchment and began her essay, the conversation closing for the time being.

* * *

"Potter," Professor McGonagall approached him Monday morning of the second week of classes at the breakfast table.

James looked up at her, swallowing his toast as he did so. "Professor," he said. The others all looked at their plates. McGonagall had a look in her eyes, one that they all recognized well, and none of the others wanted to be the subject of that gaze.

"Why haven't you posted for Quidditch tryouts?" she questioned him. James sighed in relief and she narrowed her eyes at him.

"The suspense?" he questioned weakly. She whacked him on the head with her morning news, the others stifling their laughter.

"We have a good team this year," her piercing gaze bearing down on him. "But it's not complete. We need two more players. I made you captain for a reason. Now get to work on it."

"Yes Professor," he replied ducking his head. Without another word she spun on her heel and went up to the High table with the rest of the Professors.

"I swear, she never gets that passionate about anything," Sirius laughed, James still looking stricken by the encounter.

"I thought she was going to hex me," James replied, looking at his friends in horror.

"Maybe you should get the announcement up?" Marlene suggested, laughing at James' discomfort. "You know how she gets about Quidditch."

"Just about as crazy as I do," James replied, sneaking a glance at where Professor McGonagall was now sitting. "But still." He shivered. "That was intense."

"It was not that bad, you are all being dramatic," Lily laughed at them, her gaze avoiding Sirius's completely.

"Did you see the way she looked at me?" James questioned. "Did you see it Lily?"

"I did," she laughed. "But she is right, you did not even start doing anything for Quidditch tryouts. And honestly James, she was not about to hex you. You're being irrational." Her and Marlene spent the rest of breakfast laughing at the boys as they immediately began to devise passing plays and create a list of the possible best players in the house. There was a lot of laughter, though little interaction between Lily and Sirius. None of them could have realized that, in a short span of time, things would go sour for their group.


	4. Choices and Fights

_It is our choices… that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. ~Albus Dumbledore_

The first month passed fairly quickly. Lily thoroughly enjoyed several dates with Heath Gradestone and rejected James Potter about six more times. It was discovered that Peter only failed two of his O.W.L.'s, the Marauders pulled four more pranks, one of which shut down the fifth and sixth floors for nearly two days. Furthermore, Alice decided she wanted to be an Auror, Marlene and Mark had several nice dates, and classes were going fairly well for everyone. Unfortunately, two weeks into October, things began to fall apart, and fall apart quickly.

Anyone who knew them at all would say that the sixth year Gryffindor's were one of the closest groups in the school. They had their fights and their bickering's, and even a broken heart or two. But several times a week the evenings would find all eight, or at least most of them, surrounding a table, or crowded on the couch and floor in front of the fire, or even out for a walk or snowball fight before curfew forced them back in doors. They were a comely group, and had formed the closest of friendships as only those in the same house could do. It was, therefore, shocking to the entire Gryffindor house, whom by this time were quite used to the group converging, when two whole weeks went by without a raucous game of exploding snap, or an uproar of laughter as the Marauders related a story to the others. "It's unnatural," fifth year Lucy Filsbury, whom had always been jealous of the group due to the fact that she barely could stand those in her year, said to her dorm mate Henrietta Winchester. "It's too quiet in here," a bold first year said to his friends while glancing over at the table the sixth years generally occupied. "Perhaps we should set off some dungbombs." The worst came when James entered the Common Room muddy from Quidditch and proceeded up to his dormitory without a word to anyone.

As it just so happened, most of the sixth year Gryffindor's happened to be in a fight with each other. Mary's secret jealousy of Lily had finally overflowed and flooded into a shouting match the girl's dormitory had never seen. Marlene was upset with Mary because she had allowed Mary to copy her homework several days earlier and had gotten caught resulting in them both having to write a new essay, this time ten inches longer. Alice was still upset with Peter because he had spewed out to Frank that she liked him. Sirius was mad at Lily because he wanted her to start taking James seriously and they had several arguments during which she told him to stop meddling. Sirius, feeling dark after his awful summer had said some mean things to a forlorn Remus who could not seem to shake his depression resulting in Remus stating that perhaps he should not have forgiven Sirius for a certain act from early on in Fifth Year. James had exploded at the two of them, the stress of Quidditch, the war, and his aging parents getting to him, resulting in an explosive fight with Sirius that left none of the boys speaking with each other. To top it all off, they had just been piled on quite a bit of homework, and tensions were running quite high with the sixth year Gryffindors.

No one was sure when things would smooth over, but the rest of Hogwarts began to notice something was wrong when Sirius Black sat next to a Hufflepuff bloke in Transfiguration. Lily entered next and there were only two remaining options left to her. Mary or James. Without hesitation Lily plopped down next to James and began to pull out her due homework. James, too busy glaring at his best friend barely noticed that the object of his affections had sat down next to him. The poor Hufflepuff who walked in last cast a confused glance around before settling tentatively next to Mary, who currently had her arms crossed and was facing away from Lily. Professor McGonagall entered the room and immediately began speaking. It was not until almost half way through her speech about the dangers of nonverbal Vanishment that she finally looked out at her class and noticed James and Lily sitting next to each other. Wondering if Lily had finally succumbed to James's charms, the brilliant Professor then noticed that James was not paying the slightest attention to her or for that matter, Lily. He was steadfastly and unwaveringly glaring at Sirius. Sirius, in turn, did not look quite angry, but was staring directly at the chalkboard in front of him. Now quite thrown from her speech, Professor McGonagall was at a loss of what to do. James and Sirius had sat together at every single lesson since first year with the exception of a whole month in Fourth Year. Not knowing what to make of it she picked back up on her lecture and continued on, hoping things would be resolved soon.

"Must have been some fight," Lily said quietly to James, who was still glaring at Sirius. He tore his eyes away to look at her.

"What do you mean?" he questioned, a bit harshly.

"You haven't asked me out once," she replied, giving him a small grin. It was an attempt of a joke, but she was not happy either and her grin faded fast.

"You're seeing someone," he replied almost bitterly. "And what about you and Mary?" he questioned.

Lily merely shrugged and concentrated on the cup in front of her. She waved her wand but the cup remained. "I'm horrific at nonverbals," she said sadly looking at her cup. At that moment Mary let out a gleeful shout and Lily shot a look back to her. There was no longer a cup in front of her. Her eyes went up and met Lily's but Lily looked away quickly. She turned back and was met by James's glance on the other side. Lily sighed. Keeping her voice low she said, "Apparently Mary has been jealous of me for years. Something in her snapped a few days ago and we said some pretty awful things." She then focused on her cup once more. This time it paled a little bit, but did not vanish.

"You're not concentrating enough," James said. "I can see it. You're thinking of the spell, but not really thinking of casting it. You have to think the spell in your head the same way you would say it out loud."

Instead of thanking him for his advice Lily in turn said, "and Sirius? You and Remus are both mad at him."

James sighed. "It's not like he did anything really. He just had a rough summer. But with his family and everything, especially after this summer, well sometimes he thinks he's a bad person, and then he tries to live up to it."

"Like in fourth year?" Lily questioned. James shot her a look that both denoted that she did not know what really happened and that the topic was not open for discussion.

"No," he replied, his voice sad, "not nearly as bad as Fourth Year. He's just self-destructing right now, and I told him I would not have it, and well, we had a huge row. I thought it would blow over, but instead, it may have made him worse."

"But he's not doing anything bad is he?" Lily questioned, her concern for them both apparent.

"No," James replied shortly. "Aren't you mad at him as well?" James questioned.

"Yes," Lily replied, "well he doesn't exactly approve of my relationship with Heath," she stated awkwardly. James nodded, his assent that he heard her. The two of them, despite being friends and housemates, never really did discuss their relationships, perhaps due to James constantly asking Lily out.

"We're all going to be okay won't we?" Lily asked suddenly. For some unknown reason she needed reassurance, and reassurance from James that everything would work out.

"The Wizarding world is at war," he said darkly, "no one will be okay." Lily's eyes opened wide. She had never heard James speak like this.

"James," she said quietly.

As if realizing what he said, James quickly put on a half-hearted smile. "You were talking about our friendships of course. I think everything will be just fine Lily. Just fine." He pointed his wand at his cup and in a much lazier manner than Lily could ever hope to accomplish his cup vanished.

"Well done Potter," Professor McGonagall had come up behind him.

"Thanks professor," he said, but there was no depth to his voice. Lily could not help but notice that he just seemed empty, and as he shot another glance at Sirius, then shared a look with Remus and Peter, she hoped they would make up, and do it fast.

* * *

"Alice!" The voice behind the thin girl made her freeze. She had avoided Frank Longbottom since Peter had accidentally slipped out that Alice like him. She looked ahead to see if there was anywhere she might be able to run, but could not see any closets or tapestries. Instead, she did the only reasonable thing she could have done. She turned around.

"Frank," she said. To her dismay, her voice came out much more frightened than she had hoped.

"I've been looking around for you all week," he said, approaching her. "Finally had to bribe the Marauders into using some of their tricks into finding you for me."

"Oh," Alice said, waiting for the _I'm not interested in you_ speech. "Well, here I am."

"Right," Frank said. He had now reached her. "I…" He fidgeted. First he crossed his arms and then uncrossed them, then he shifted foot to foot. Alice tried to wait patiently, but when he ran his hands through the back of his hair in a very Jamesesque manner, and still did not say anything, that she finally spoke.

"Look Frank, I get it. You don't have to say anything, really. I'm sorry Peter said anything. Truly. I know things will be awkward between us now, and really I never wanted that. That's why I did not say anything. And besides, Peter had no right to say anything, and I'm awfully sorry he did. But it was not his place. In fact he would not have known at all if Sirius had not knocked over that curtain, and then…"

Alice barely noticed that the only words Frank said were, "People in this school really ramble too much," before he kissed her.

* * *

"You're posting tryouts?" Sirius stood next to James attempting to make conversation, but James ignored him. "Errr James," Sirius continued, "why are they written in color changing ink?"

James continued to ignore Sirius, much to the chagrin of the innocent bystander, Peter Pettigrew. "You two are being ridiculous," he yelled at the two of them.

"He's right mate," Sirius looked at James. "I'm not even sure why you won't talk to me."

"You're not a bad person," James replied, not looking Sirius in the eye. Sirius cast his gaze down. He looked like there were many things he wanted to say, his mouth even opening for a bit. But the words that always flowed so easily between the two would not come. Instead, Sirius walked away.

If anyone had been paying close attention, they would have noticed that James' jaw had set. They would have seen his fists clench and unclench. And then, before he rubbed his palm on his face, they would have seen a tear fall down. But no one did notice. No one saw it. For that, James was forever thankful. He finished straightening the sign he had carefully constructed, posting the Gryffindor House tryouts. Suddenly, he felt exhausted. Why was he so mad at Sirius? Why wouldn't he talk to him? Did he ever really forgive Sirius for what he did Fourth Year? James immediately shook the thoughts away. He had forgiven Sirius a long time ago. He could not bring that back up simply because he was mad at him now. Sirius just needed to stop thinking he was a bad person and was going to do bad things. Then everything would be okay. Everything would be all right.

But for right now, it was not. He turned away from the board to meet the gaze of Marlene.

"Hey Marl," he said, but they both could tell there was some strain in his.

"Are you alright James?" she questioned.

"Dandy," he replied.

"Fancy a walk to the kitchens?" she questioned.

"I'd love nothing more," he replied.

"How are things with Mark?" he asked her as they set out.

"Lovely," she replied. "He's really fantastic. Almost a bit too much. I keep waiting for something to go wrong," she laughed.

"Marlene," he reprimanded. "You can't think that way. That's exactly how relationships self-destruct. You keep looking for something wrong and eventually you'll find it."

"Like you and Sara Blithely?" she joked.

"Yes," James replied sarcastically. "Because as second years we really understood that relationships were supposed to be something more than trading chocolate frog cards."

Marlene threw her head back and laughed. "Then what caused the break up?" James shrugged, smiling for the first time in days.

"She wouldn't trade me for the Morgana card." The two of them laughed all the way to the kitchen and James felt more light-hearted than he had felt all week.

"Thanks Marlene," he said as they made their way back to the dormitories, their stomachs now stuffed.

"For what?" she questioned, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"For making me feel good for the first time in a couple of weeks."

She gave a small smile. "Well," she teased, "when something is going on with the Marauders, someone has to keep the world a happier place."

James nodded, his smile starting to fade. "James," Marlene said, "I've got to go meet Mark. His study group should be almost over by now." They stood at the top of a stairwell on the third floor.

"Of course," he replied, giving her a hug. She gave him another smile before wandering off to find her new boyfriend. James grinned watching her walk away. It was such a short encounter. The whole trip to the kitchens had taken maybe twenty minutes. They had no real discussions, no real in depth talks, and nothing to worry about. For twenty minutes James had felt back to normal. He sincerely hoped that he would always have friends like Marlene around. Laughing and smiling. That's part what being a Marauder meant. James stood at the top of the stairwell, a part of him intent on heading back up to the dorm to yell at Sirius a bit more. Instead, he headed to the library, a new prank in mind.

* * *

" _You think I'm prefect?" Lily shouted back. "Perfect?" Then all of a sudden she stopped shouting. Perfect. Something she always tried to be. Something she was not. The situation could have been resolved right there. Lily was ready to set aside her anger in the moment and talk everything out, but Mary kept yelling._

" _How could you have never noticed?" tears were streaming down her face. "The boys all want to talk to you. They only talk to me to ask about you. You have excellent grades. People want to be your friend Lily. People want to know you. They don't care about me. And you let them. You live up to your image. How is anyone supposed to compete with that."_

 _Lily's defeated moment was gone and her temper flared back up. "I never realized we were in competition with each other," she shouted back._

" _How could you not?" Mary shouted back, "people are always comparing us!"_

" _Mary, no one thinks that!" Marlene said from where she stood next to the two fighters, but her voice was drowned out by the two other girls who had not ceased their fighting. Soon, the questions turned to insults, and though both girls would feel sickened and guilty by the things they were saying in the morning, neither cared much at the moment to stop._

Lily woke with a jolt. She kept dreaming about the fight, and the awful things said between them. A deep, bottomless pit sort of feeling settled in her stomach and she looked at the bed next to her, its curtains drawn tight. She wanted to shake Mary awake, tell her how sorry she was, but she could not get herself to move. _Mary should be the first to apologize,_ she thought to herself firmly. _I've done nothing wrong._ But if she had done nothing wrong then why did she feel so guilty?

Lily threw her legs over the side of her four poster bed, deciding to shower and get out of the room. She grabbed her supplies and headed down to the prefect bathroom. After a refreshing, and perhaps a bit too long of a bath in which even the many scents could not calm her down, Lily realized that the feeling she was having was not going to simply disappear. She was going to have to speak to Mary again to sort things out, _but not right now,_ she thought as walked back to the tower that held her sleeping quarters. She had a sudden thought and did not want to be distracted. Dropping off her stuff, Lily set back out and headed purposefully to breakfast. She was vaguely aware of Alice in the Great Hall flinging her arms around a stunned looking Peter Pettigrew, but did not stop to question. Relief flowed through her once she entered breakfast and saw the object of her thoughts sitting alone at the very end of the furthest table in the hall. She hurried her way over to him, sitting down directly across from him. His hair was an untidy mess, his expression bleak. He was picking away at his breakfast and barely noticed that she had sat across from him. "We need to talk," she said seriously, not sure why she was meddling in the first place. All she was certain of was that it felt right.

His grey eyes met hers and though she thought there might be a spark of interest, there was nothing. No shock at seeing her, no curiosity, nothing. He just stared at her before dropping his gaze back to his plate. "Sirius," she said quietly, but he did not look up a second time. "Fine," she huffed. "I'm not even sure why I'm getting involved to begin with but I just… well, life is too short really." Her gaze wandered over to where Mary was now sitting, but averted back to Sirius quickly. He still was not looking at her. "I should definitely be working on getting my life figured out first, you know. Like talking to Mary amongst other things. But here I am, In front of you, telling you to snap out of it." She had been staring at him the entire time, her eyes locked on his though they were partially hidden by stray strands falling down. She watched as his expression went from nothing to anger. "I don't know your life Sirius, at least not the whole thing. I cannot imagine the things you have been through. I asked James what was up and he wouldn't tell me a thing other than that you might be self-destructing a bit. Well stop it. You are a good person, one I value highly as a friend. Please don't let others tell you how you should be. Be yourself. The Sirius I've known for years. Have you always made the best decisions? No. But neither has everyone else. You've been fighting against your environment your whole life, and I feel like now is a miserably awful time to stop. You haven't done anything yet, but I know you're thinking about it. I know you, just like your friends do. Do I know why James is being a prat? No. Do I know why Remus is mad at you, or Peter looks at you like he's afraid? No. But I know how I'm looking at you right now, and how I'm going to look at you if you don't try to fix whatever is going on between the four of you. Because if you don't…"

He finally spoke, cutting her off effectively, his eyes finally meeting hers, "then I'm not the person you thought I was." He said they words bitterly. Lily knew by the way he said it that they had a familiar ring for him. That he had heard those words said over and over again, and that he fully expected her to say them now. She held his intense gaze, meeting it with a raise of her eyebrows.

"Then you're going to regret it for the rest of your life." Without another word she left the Great Hall. She had said her piece. He had tried several times to butt into her business about Heath, and how he thought she should feel about James. Well, she was going to do the same to him, and this was just the start.


	5. Being There

Ch.5

" _Your mother was there for me at a time when no one else was." Remus Lupin_

* * *

"Remus," Lily came upon him in the library.

"Hey Lily," he replied, looking back down at his Transfiguration notes.

"Mind if I join you?" she questioned, setting her things down on the table.

"Not at all," he replied, sliding his book over a bit. They worked in comfortable silence for a bit before Lily, finally not being able to stand it anymore, spoke up.

"Are you alright Remus?" she asked. At the moment, he had been in the middle of a sentence on involuntary transfigurations that was hitting a little too close to home and surprised himself by whispering a no as his answer.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she questioned, all thoughts of homework now aside. "I know maybe we haven't talked as much as we used to, but I'm here." She finished with that, and waited for him to speak.

"I just…it's just my friends… and Sirius… and a lot of stuff that happened Fourth Year is being brought up again. I don't know. I'm miserable."

"Sirius did something?" Lily pushed, though she had heard the rumors just like the rest of the school. Remus simply nodded, not meeting her eye.

"Does it have something to do with why none of you are really talking right now?"

Remus nodded again. "I don't really, can't more like, get into details. I don't think I'd want to if I could, but yeah."

"I'm sorry Remus," she said slowly.

"It's alright," he finally made eye contact. "I have Peter. He's not exactly the most cheering fellow, but he's putting up a good effort."

"What about James?" Lily asked.

"James… James is here for me. But he's wrapped up in his own problems right now, and I think he just overlooks Peter and I a bit."

"I'm so sorry Remus," Lily said sadly. "If you ever need anything, anything at all, please ask. And we should hang out more. I mean I think we're a couple of the only sixth year Gryffindor's not fighting right now."

"You might be right," Remus gave a grim smile. "Do you want to talk about you and Mary? I heard you had quite the row."

"Not particularly," Lily responded. Suddenly, she slammed her book shut and stood up. "Come on," she said, shoving her books in her bag.

"Where are we going exactly?" Remus began picking up his things as well. A spontaneous Lily did not come around all the time, and he did not want to let the opportunity pass by.

After wandering down to the dungeons, Remus was beginning to question Lily's sanity when they reached a room full of translucent figures. As it turned out, Lily took him to a Ghost Party. He had heard of them before, but had never attended. They watched Nearly-Headless Nick yank on his hair more times than they could count, tried to hide from the Bloody Baron before realizing it was pointless to hide behind semi-transparent beings, and dared each other to taste the food before heading back to Gryffindor tower for the night. And that was how it came about that Lily and Remus began to spend quite a bit of time together over the next several months.

* * *

Karen Meadows was a bright girl. She was bold, perhaps a bit too much, and absolutely revered her Aunt Dorcas who was currently fighting against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Karen spent most summers with her aunt learning defensive spells, and fully intended to join the fight upon graduation. She spent a good deal of her spare time looking up new useful spells in hopes that she might survive this war. She had a good head on her shoulders and was not ignorant to what was going on around her like most students. She knew what was out there and thought about it daily. Those thoughts however, were not on her mind at the moment. Like a majority of the school's population Karen Meadows was enamored with the Marauders. She had even gone on a date with Peter. In fact, she would have gone on a second. He had been quite a good time, but he politely told her he did not think it was going to go anywhere and they parted amicably. She was in a constant state of jealousy about the connection the sixth years had and knew she would never be able to get the attention of one of the boys while the girls were around. Slouching her way down from the Fifth year dorm room, Karen's thoughts were on her current crush James Potter. Her thoughts were so wrapped up that it was quite a shock to her when she came to the bottom of the stairs to see James Potter sitting. Alone. His feet were propped up on an ottoman she had never seen before. Like the other Gryffindor's she had certainly noticed that the Sixth Years seemed to be in quite a debate, but she had also noticed that none of them lingered in the Common Room for very long. Even stranger was that no one else had approached James yet and that he was, in fact, quite alone. She took one tentative step toward him and then shook her head. She was a Gryffindor! She made to stroll over and sit next to him when her pathway became obstructed. A shadow passed over the couch as someone stood blocking her view of James. Sirius Black stood looming over James and Karen's heart sank. She had missed her chance. She almost turned to go back up to her dorm when Sirius spoke.

"Have you seen my book?" he asked. Everyone assumed all of the Marauders were mad at each other and were not at all surprised at the tentativeness and wariness in Sirius's voice. Karen stopped her retreat to watch the exchange. James, who had been absorbed in reading the Daily Prophet, did not even look up.

"James?" Sirius questioned. Not even a muscle twitched.

"Prongs?" Sirius asked even quieter. There it was. A little twitch. The tiniest movement that showed James was listening. Not that Karen saw any of this as Sirius was still blocking her view of James. She finished her descent of the stairs and scooted around to stand by her dorm mates who were all watching. In fact most of the room was watching and the only sounds that could be heard came from some unknowing Second Years in the corner. "Look, mate, I'm not trying to start anything. I'm just trying to find my Charms book."

James folded up the paper and finally peered at Sirius. From where she was standing Karen had a perfect view of James's face. He did not look happy at all. "Why would I care Black?" James questioned.

"You borrowed it from me a couple weeks ago. Remember? Before…" Sirius trailed off. James said nothing, but he seemed to get a bit angrier. "I'm sorry James. Really. Unbelievably. But I know this is not getting sorted out right now. I just need my book to finish my assignment and someone has the library's copy." So from the sound of it Sirius had done something wrong. Karen knew most were wondering. It was almost impossible to tell who was at fault. Rumors flew of course. Most involved the same crazy story from a few years ago involving Snape and the Whomping Willow, but she knew that could not be true. No one could go near that crazy tree, and why would they be bringing up rumors from a few years past. She wondered, just like everyone else, what had happened. And now that she had more information, what Sirius had done.

James looked at Sirius for another moment longer, an internal war going on before pulling out his wand. Sirius took a step back and looked wary, but James was no longer looking at him. He pulled his feet off the ottoman and waved his wand over it and whispered something quietly. The ottoman disappeared and Karen heard quite a few people gasp. She could not see what had happened to it, but when Sirius went over and picked something up off the ground and returned to the standing position holding a Charms book she knew James had transfigured it. By the time Sirius had retrieved his book James had unfolded his newspaper and was hidden behind it once more. Sirius stood uncertainly before giving off a thanks and hurrying out the portrait hole.

The room let out a collective breath and Karen knew this was it. This was the only moment she was going to get. She squared her shoulders and marched over to the couch. James was sitting in the middle of the couch so she perched herself on the edge. James did not look up from his newspaper. Karen knew most of the Common Room was watching her, but ignored their stares as she waited for James to acknowledge her. When it was clear he would not she spoke herself. "That was an impressive bit of magic." James turned his head to her.

"Thank you," he replied before going straight on back to his reading.

"I've heard your brilliant at Transfiguration," Karen continued. "I'm quite crap to be honest." The poor girl was trying so hard, but James was not in any sort of mood to entertain.

"Right," he said, getting up. Karen became a bit crestfallen when she realized he was about to leave. What she did not know was that Lily Evans had just come down from her room and James had every intention of talking to her. "Sorry Karen," he said, "I'm just not good company right now. And I really need to talk to Lily." He gestured to the girl who was currently making her way through the Common Room.

"Of course," she replied, not quite sure what else to say. With a nod he took off after Lily, leaving his paper behind. She picked it up in and peered at the cover. _Muggles Attacked: Who's to Defend Them?_ With a jolt she realized how much of a dolt she was being. How could she be chasing after James at a time like this? Besides that he was completely besotted with Lily, there was a war. She set down the paper with a new resolve and went off to the library to look up some new hexes.

* * *

James caught up with Lily not far down the hallway. "Lily," he shouted her name as he got near. She had her bag slung over shoulder and was probably off to the library to finish some homework.

"Hey James," she smiled at him. "How are you?"

"I've been okay," he replied. She was staring at him expectantly, obviously wondering why he had stopped her. When he did not say anything immediately, she spoke.

"Look, if there's nothing you need, I'm off to the library to meet Heath and already la…"

"Lily, I just wanted to thank you for taking care of Remus," he cut her off. "I know I haven't exactly been there…"

"No. You haven't." Her smile faded almost instantly. She had one eyebrow quirked, as if challenging him to explain why he hasn't been there for his best friend.

"I know," James hung his head, "I've just had a lot going on."

"What could be more important than your best friend?" Lily questioned, her arms crossed, waiting for a viable reason. And James gave her one.

"My parents are sick. Mum more so than my dad, but…" he was cut off by Lily hugging him. "Lils?" he questioned, but she did not let go right away. When she finally pulled away James saw she was crying.

"I'm so sorry," she said, wiping at her tears. "Here I am being all mad at you thinking you weren't talking to him because of whatever is going on between you and Sirius, and of course you have a perfectly legitimate reason for not being there. Of course I assumed the worst in you, when all you have ever been is a good friend. I am such a jerk. I'm sorry James. It's just there's so much going on with our year and I've been so upset lately and…"

"Lily, Lily, slow down," James stopped her, reluctantly pulling out of the hug. "I know I'm an awful friend right now. Between homework and Quidditch tryouts coming up and my parents and I keep thinking about the war, and…" he ran his hand through his hair. "And Sirius…" he trailed off, his expression pained. He shook his head, looking at her once more. "I just wanted to say thank you for being there. I'm going to be around for him more often. I promise."

"It's alright James," Lily replied, "he's my friend too, I want to be there for him, not just because you guys haven't been, but because he's my friend too." James nodded silently. He looked vulnerable. Possibly more vulnerable than Lily had ever seen him. "I'm sorry James," Lily said quietly. It seemed like she was waiting for him to say something else, something more. But he did not. "I have to go," she finally said. "I'll see you at supper."

"Yeah," he replied. "Have a nice time with Heath."

"Thanks," she said. After a moment of hesitation she gave him another quick hug before hurrying off down the hall.

* * *

Is it not interesting that sometimes when you are thinking about someone, they appear out of nowhere in front of you? As it just so happens, this happened to Lily shortly after leaving the library. She had an enjoyable night in the library with Heath, not exactly what one would call a nice date – it was the library after all – but homework did need to be finished, and the two did want to spend time together. Lily left lighthearted, but her conversation with James kept coming back to her, and she found herself thinking of Remus whom, she knew, was visiting his sick mother for the weekend. It was very kind of Dumbledore, she thought to herself, to allow Remus to visit his mother so consistently. She thought of her own mother briefly and was very thankful she was healthy before her thoughts turned back to Remus once more. Perhaps he never stopped James and Sirius from being their devilish selves, though much less so this year, and maybe he was involved in most of the harmless pranks pulled, but he was just so kind. She had heard them lecture James and Sirius enough, again, not that it stopped them, and was always there for poor Peter. It almost was not fair how his friends were treating him. She had half a mind to find the group and yell some sense into them. There was no reason that Remus should be neglected when he had done nothing wrong! Lily was so lost in her thoughts that she almost tripped over the object of her thoughts.

Remus peered up from his position on the ground when he saw Lily. She looked at him with confusion. "I thought you were visiting your mother," Lily questioned.

"I'm back," he said, his voice cracking.

"Why are you sitting in the middle of the hall?" she questioned further.

"I was walking back from the hospital wing and this is just…where I stopped." His head hung down, and Lily skimmed over the mentioning of the hospital wing, more concerned at how distraught he looked. And tired. Not like he needed sleep, but more so that he was just, well, tired.

"Are you okay?" she asked with concern.

He tried to smile and pretend everything was okay. She could see the effort. But he could not even pretend. Instead he merely shook his head. Lily sank down next to him.

"What happened?" she questioned. "Does this have something to do with when you went home to visit your sick mother? Is she okay?

"I didn't go home," Remus said quietly. The second the words left his mouth he wondered why he had said them. But now that he had he realized he was going to tell Lily the truth. Whether it was planned or not, he was going to do it. He needed a friend right now.

"Remus you don't…" Lily began, as if she knew what he was going to say, but he cut her off.

"I'm a werewolf Lily." Now that the words were out Remus was less certain about telling her. There was no going back now. There was a sharp inhale of breath next to him but he dared not look up.

"I…I," but she could say no more because he jumped up off the ground, startling her.

"You don't have to say anything Lily, I get it. Just please," he met her gaze this time seeing a mixture of emotions in them, "don't say anything to anyone." He hurried off down the hall at that, fearing what the kind, compassionate Lily would say to him.

They were almost back to the Common Room before she caught up with him.

"First of all," Lily shouted, mere feet from the portrait of the Fat Lady, who was now watching them with interest, "did you really think you could get away from me? We live in the same house," she said. "And second of all, why are you running away from me."

Remus took one look at the inquisitive portrait before shuffling back down the hallway.

"No need to leave on my account," the Fat Lady mumbled, but the two of them ignored her as Lily followed Remus out of the earshot of the inquisitive, overly nosy, guardian to their living quarters.

"I should have never said anything Lily," his gaze was downcast again. He could not even bear to see the look of fear in her eyes. "It just kind of came out back there, and I am sorry for making you aware. I know I'm a monster and…"

"Remus!" Lily cut him off, "if you had stayed in that hallway for one second, and let me speak, you would hear what I am about to force you to listen to." She inhaled deeply before continuing. "I had my suspicions, but it does not matter. Remus, you are one of the kindest people I have ever met. It doesn't matter to me, and I wish you would realize that. I was going to tell you that I was impressed that you said it at all. It took a lot of guts to tell me. To trust me." Remus heard the sincerity in her voice, as he had heard it countless times in the voices of his three closest friends. He finally met her gaze and smiled. It was a tired smile, but his face still lit up.

"Thanks," he said, embracing her a hug, and relaxing completely when she did not flinch or tense. "I needed to hear that." Lily hugged him back, her heart filling once more with sorrow for her friend, before the two headed back to the Common Room, giving the password before the Fat Lady could begin to inquire what had happened.


End file.
